This is a collection of some raw and honest poems I've written during tough times that i've titled "Crying is How Your Heart Speaks". These unpublished poems show my real and open voice.
Section 1: Family
Uncle Buddy
He was only nineteen.
Thrown into a war
miles from home
in a land unknown.
A medic in the war,
running through the battlefield.
Carrying soldiers to safety.
Bullets flying in the air;
bombs shattering the earth around him.
Ringing in his ears-
he was going to survive.
He earned a Purple Heart,
he gained a broken neck,
he was diagnosed with PTSD,
he wanted to die…
He was only nineteen.
Drawing of You
It’s fragile.
The brown paper: cracked,
little tears around the edges.
Colors of the pencils: faded.
Your cartoon face is much larger than your body,
standing behind the counter.
The counter of your antique shop.
You loved that place,
and so did I.
The famous sign hanging under you:
‘All Sales are Final’.
That sign never moved.
Your pink sweater is dull now,
not as vibrant as it used to be.
The years have gone by.
Your shop was sold,
the antiques left for trash,
and that sign has finally been moved.
‘My friend Cathy’-
it’s signed underneath
by a person I don't know.
I was only seven when you passed.
I didn't understand.
The only thing I have left of that antique shop
is the cartoon drawing of you, Aunt Cathy.
Section 2: Alone
Emotions are Human
I tell you everything.
Except for how I feel.
When I’m mad, it reminds
you of dad. When I am
depressed, I am being
negative, just like him.
I can share the drama
I experience at
work. I can share the fights
I used to have with my
ex-boyfriend. Or the dates
I’ve been on since our split.
I can share the details,
but not how I feel. You
want me to be happy
all the time but I can’t.
People have emotions.
I can’t be happy all
the time because every
other emotion makes
you think of him, of dad.
Behind The Curtains
I see you when you shut the world out on your worst days,
and when you hide embarrassing dance moves on your best days.
I hear your fake conversations with your boyfriend,
and your true conversations with your therapist.
I feel your happiness when you leave me open to see the sun rays,
and your fear when you shut me to keep out the thunderstorms.
I can help you hide from the world when you want to be alone.
I can dance with you when you leave the window open on a breezy spring day.
I can let in the sunshine when you're happy enough to let the world in.
I know who you are when you hide behind me.
Section 3: Breakdown
Panic Attack
I freaked out.
I went into the hospital.
I spent the night Praying.
Now, I'm finally Free.
The anxiety is going to die.
It's good to know.
----
I’m close to breaking down.
A world without me -
I won't be around.
But I don't break
I sit down
And rest my head…
The last time I cried was the night at the hospital.
Things were really grim.
Drowning
I’m on this boat called life and my boat is full of holes,
I am sinking and I am trying to stay afloat,
but the water is rushing in
and I can barely breathe,
I am gasping for air.
I am gasping for air,
but I don't care.
I am not scared,
I am not panicked,
I am not fighting for my life because
I don’t care.
I am trying to stay afloat,
not because I want to,
but because the only other option is drowning,
and I do not want to die.
I don't want to die,
but I don’t want to be alive.
I am in limbo.
I am trying to stay afloat
though I don't want to keep fighting,
but I have no other choice.
I am tired of pretending that my boat is fine,
that I am not sinking and the water
is not rushing in.
I am tired of pretending.
Every day.
Every hour.
Every minute.
Every second.
I will keep trying to stay afloat
until I pull myself up
or until I let myself drown.
These Moments
Windows down
Breeze in her hair
Sunglasses on
Music blaring
Warm air hits her like a hug
Her hand hangs out the window, playing in the breeze
Sun shines off of the cars ahead of her
She sings along to her favorite song
The strap of her sundress falls down her shoulder
Small strands of hair stick to her lip gloss
She laughs at herself when others spot her
Turns down her music at stop lights
Summer days are her favorite
Moments like this she didn't want to end
No class, no work, no responsibilities
Just the sun, wind, and music
Step on the gas
How fast can you go?
Turn the wheel
Crash the car
The voices in her head spoke up.
And she always listened…
Section 4: Breakup
One Day
Pale skin as white as milk;
Brown hair that felt like silk.
She stared at that photograph
and couldn't help but laugh.
She was broken by love,
by the man she couldn't let go of.
She let that day play in her head:
all of the things she could have said.
That day at the park,
they sat by the pond until dark.
They watched the ducks all day.
She just wanted him to meet her halfway.
She had tried to address it in the past,
but it had never seemed to last.
The many conversations echoed in her mind;
she tried to push those thoughts behind.
She didn't want to think beyond the present.
Right now everything seemed so pleasant.
She brushed her hand along the grass;
her soul, as fragile as glass.
She wanted to copy and paste this day.
She wished there was another way.
There really was no one to blame;
their love was a burnt out flame.
She had worked to keep it lit,
but she knew it was time for her to quit.
The plants swayed in the breeze;
She wouldn't be able to do this with ease
she felt trapped,
waiting for the day she would snap.
Love Leaves
The terracotta bedding darkened,
the only noise heard in a silent room:
her tears falling to the sheets.
Love.
If anything was to blame it was Love.
She'd rather never have Loved at all
than to have Loved and lost.
She didn't want to feel.
Feel the pain of a relationship ending.
Feel the pain Love left behind.
Because it always left.
Her father,
he was supposed to be her first love.
To pave the way for the other men in her life to come.
Bruises left on her skin;
I Love you Dolly.
Harsh words left lingering in her mind;
I Love you sweetie.
Screams still ringing in her ears;
I Love you.
Love had no meaning to her.
She could say it to anyone
without a single meaning behind it.
Yet it always left her in pain.
Surrounded by four white walls,
the darkened terracotta bedding,
she was alone.
Heartbreak
The time has come;
it is officially done.
It hurts more than I had thought,
this heartbreak that I just caught.
I had been checked out for months;
I thought I'd be okay for once.
For three years I had talked to him everyday,
now we have nothing to say.
I am content one minute, then crying the next.
These feelings have me so perplexed.
I've never been one to cry
when someone would die.
I have never known how to handle my feelings,
but I've always been good at concealing.
Now I'm feeling everything all at once.
I feel like I'm going nuts.
Time will heal,
but time is a slow deal.
I miss him, but I know I don't want him back.
So why do I still feel like I'm having a constant panic attack?
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